Hail, Ser Ozarawd! The wroth is upon me!
Stoyan
Yegods, it's just a horse, man!
Effie
A horse he is not, deserving of my wroth.
Effie
Is there a king here?
EffieOnly one of us will be king.
Stoyan
You will serve the realm in your own way. Perhaps on your back…" (whispering) "…as a prostitute…
Stoyan
Let me get your back, verily, Ser Knight!
StoyanVerily, ablutions are such a torment.
Stoyan
A meal is the best time to be introduced! Everyone has too much food in their mouths to ask probing questions.
Effie
What did you find in there, Ser Caelwyn?
TimThe Gods try us in ways most vicious and unexpected… it does not smell correct…
Stoyan
This is his dining axe.
EffieThe formal axe.
TimYour axe is a fine weapon.
Stoyan
[Ser Caelwyn] certainly unlocked his defenses.
Tim?
StoyanYou're the Key Knight. The Knight of Keys.
Tim
Your quest intake is low, Ser Goyon!
Effie
I always forget about the squires.
StoyanThey hear you say that.
KennethThey need to be more Glorious.
Tim
They’re too in pain to be strategic.
StoyanThey’re what?
Effie
A zombie is always on the road to becoming a pure, white skeleton.
Stoyan
Ser Caelwyn! Please don’t[sic]
It’s unity on this keyring that makes [my keys] greater than the sum of their parts.
Stoyan
It’s like beef jerky in there.
KennethBeef jerky is delicious, so.
EffieMany cowboys have arrived to eat the jerky.
TimKnights of their own kind, from a far off realm.
Effie
As the Temple Knight, I’m not sure I’m down with a ‘ruckus’…
Tim
The King’s chambers indicate that she’s rarely allowed servants inside to clean…
KennethDamn, bitch, you live like this?
Effie
We agreed on no ruckus!
Tim
No, the ruckus will be chaos.
Tim
No need. I will remain youthful. If we never end this session, we will never age.
Stoyan
Do you want to take this outside? Because we literally have to if we want to continue.
EffieI have nothing against scuffles…
Tim
Ozarawd does not flinch. Ozarawd knows that no ruckus can occur in the presence of the Temple Knight. ‘One of these days, Aedelric, I worry you may let them hit me.’
Effie
Magpies aren’t scavengers, are they?
KennethThey’re literally scavenging right now!
Effie
As an Australian, the thought of being swooped by a magpie renders me catatonic with fear.
Effie
This ruin is a building and I will prove it to you with magic!
Tim
Has that ever worked?
TimIt’s worked sometimes! [rolls] It didn’t work!
StoyanI’m beginning to doubt that you have powers.
Tim
Okay, I remember the drummer now. Did we cut him down?
Stoyan
Have you not seen the beans of Java!?
Tim
And you would abandon your home simply because something squirmed irregularly?
TimTo be fair, that would make me leave my home.
Effie
I think her husband just is a horse.
Stoyan
Keep thee to thy carrots. I will hear no more of thine equine affections.
Stoyan
Wise counsel, Grave Knight! Did you hear this from one of your vultures?
TimI thought it about it for more than two seconds.
EffieFascinating.
Tim
I look like I’m shopping.
Effie, picking through the remains of a battlefield
To know the squirm is to fear the squirm.
Stoyan
Sense thee any scavengers, Ozarawd?
StoyanI can’t see shit! These bog mists…
Effie
It could be worse. It could be a tiger.
Stoyan
I am somewhat ruptured, good Ser. Merely nonessential organs. I shall partake.
Effie
This is mere banditry. There is no oath that is not taken before a Seer–or a King.
Stoyan
You have a shield on your chest. Your smallness is shielded!
StoyanThey don’t know how large I’m not!
Effie
Sorry! I just, uh–they gave me cheese!
Stoyan
Ser Ozarawd could use some succor.
KennethAny volunteers?
Effie
We have fun here, in Amatrice.
Effie
My hex has everything I need.
EffieSix corners. Six sides.
Kenneth
What’s the feat I use to deny an attack? Ah, yes, Deny.
Stoyan
I wanna say, ‘Wee! Wee err urr iiide!’ [incomprehensible groaning]
Stoyan
-
Stoyan, asked for a damage roll
You know what happens when you die? You turn into nothing, dust in the eyes of history.
Stoyan
Fresh hay and crisp water, and perhaps a carrot, or an apple, hither-thither and yon…
Stoyan (clearly doesn’t think I’m still listening)You ask for a carrot, the sweetest of our fruits!?
TimOr an apple, the bitterest!
Stoyan
I’m feeling fancy. I’d love a leather outfit for court.
Stoyan
In the distance, you hear…
KennethYo-de-lay-hee-hoo!
Tim
None are fit to announce new Knights, new Sers in this kingdom but the King! You are playing above your station! DISBAND!
Stoyan
‘Lies’? I have walked upon their cobbled stones! This stillness–unnatural! Stasis!
Stoyan
I fall asleep immediately where I stand.
Stoyan
The wine ages rapidly, becoming better and better almost instantly.
Kenneth
Mine is a flea-bitten steed.
EffieMine is a Moorland steed that smells of heather.
TimThe King wants that one.
Kenneth
They’re not born, not of mothers. They climb from the muck.
KennethOne of yours, Ser Ozarawd?
Tim
I dread to strike at another, lest I create a wound of such disgusting cleanliness!
Effie
Have you tried cauterizing it? There is a purity in fire.
Stoyan
The meat was breadless and the bread was meatless! I brought order to a chaotic situation.
Tim
My point is…what is my point?
Stoyan
You’ll probably have a season pass when you get to the castle.
KennethSeason pass!?
Effie
If I’m using Aedelric as a windbreak…
EffieI thought you were going to say ‘If I use Aedelric as a meat mountain…’
Tim
I’m having the same reaction as Effie last time to ‘season pass’.
Stoyan
This man is not a man, but a myth!
TimSo no act against him can be morally wrong.
Kenneth
The Bog of Many Colours. New bog unlocked.
Effie
I’d do this to a guy if I had to.
Effie, walking a guy to his death
We need to seek a Seer and say ‘Make it rain’.
Stoyan
You explain that this one is with you.
KennethThis is one of the good ones.
Tim
Man or not, this is gruesome!
KennethYeeeeaaaah!
Effie
The Undead rising from the graves? Fucking normal. Happens every day. The Order? A bunch of fucking nerds! These guys? Sandman. Actually…what’s that villain from Spiderman who could turn himself into sand?
StoyanSandman.
EffieYeah, Sandman!
Stoyan
What is to be done, honored Seer, thirsty Seer?
Stoyan
Is there a better metaphor or simile we could compare them to than ‘a bunch of semi-organized mudmen’?
Tim
‘Come forth, yonder men! On the morrow, we shall see a clear field! Muddy as it may be, [some gay shit about flowers].’ Oh, that’s more politician than leader.
StoyanI stopped listening.
Effie
I pull out a wildflower in bloom and tuck it behind my ear and I continue to lead the warband.
Stoyan
I think the key thing is that we’re getting bogged down in the details.
TimI think Stoyan is the expert in key things, unfortunately.
Effie
What I wouldn’t give for a normal army… just once.
Stoyan
You convinced Ser Goyon to go adventuring.
KennethWe convinced him to go adventuring right before a myth happened!
Tim
That which is not uprooted will grow again, stronger and more vicious!
Stoyan
Ha ha ha! Put that jester to death.
StoyanHo ho! Kill that man.
Tim
‘Looks like she’s had a long day of killing peasants.’ What am I going for!?
Stoyan
We are fortunate that the Seer in question is one of the more portable Seers.
Effie
Commune is a strong word for what happens when a normal person talks to a Seer.
Tim
Oh! But the Peak Seer’s not going to want to come down off the peak!
StoyanHe’s not going to want to go into the cave.
EffiePeak Seer, we need you to go lower than everyone else.
Tim
I waft. Does it smell fragrant, like a potion? Or bitter, like a potion?
Stoyan
You get a metallic tang…
KennethTang, like space!
Tim
Do you think your Seer would poison you?
EffieI’m not sure…
StoyanDo you think your Seer is trying to retire you as a knight?
TimI said I’m not sure.
StoyanDid you see that dragon, bro? Just take this. Go gently, my dude.
Effie
Do you think Kenneth would just give you a poison that would kill you and not say anything?
EffieYes.
Stoyan
Quaff the thickness of Seers.
Tim
Oh, shit! Which one of these pebbles I’m carrying is my Titan Bead?
Effie
Yes! We fooled you, wretched thing! Your stomach more powerful than your mind! Yes, I lied, you caught me!
StoyanAren’t I naughty?
Effie
I would see you free of walls. Free of kings. Free of language. Free of clothing…
KennethOkay, you lost me. Hard.
Stoyan
Cask of Amontillado-ing someone is not attacking them, though it is extreme violence.
Tim
I can’t spear it but I will be there in spirit.
Tim
Is there any other kind of job a squire does besides bad?
Tim
Step 1, wrangle the Squirmer. Step 2… Step 3, Glory.
Tim
I just meant, your enjoyment of getting to use your power was near-orgasmic.
Stoyan
I need… I need, like… Just, dump it.
Effie (instructing peasants that they urgently need to bring up supplies to feed hungry scavengers)
Where before cutting the demon was like cutting into bodies, your sword hitting femurs and ribs…
KennethYay!
Zora
So you’re eliminating one of them before the finals?
EffieSo it sounds like Stoyan has resolved to kill one of the kings, while Effie is going to do a Maleficent, show up, curse upon their houses…
TimIn that situation, they’ve invited at least Stoyan, but not me.
EffieYou know what? Fair.
Tim
Any human can add new cells! I’m doing it right now!
Tim
These hills are violent, almost grossly incandescent with the flowering light!
Tim
Well, the gallows have left their mark upon you, I can see.
KennethAs they will upon us all one day.
Effie
A ‘building’, or ‘edifice’, is… wait, this isn’t a dictionary…
Tim
Subtractive manufacturing is no manufacturing at all!
KennethThat is categorically false.
Stoyan
I will become roused.
Stoyan
I kind of want the honey.
StoyanOkay. Did you want to…
KennethI’m not doing anything about it. I’m just realizing a temptation.
Stoyan
The jingling is, first, entertaining, and, second, testing the new center of mass of the keychain.
Stoyan
Ser Caelwyn, I fear we have lost Aedelric in the catacombs.
EffieHe is beneath the earth yet, declaring peace in a single room.
StoyanDon’t quote that! We don’t want him to know what we were saying about him!
EffieSurely the echoes will tell him. …tell him …tell him …tell him
Stoyan[The mountain] swelled from the land as the corns swelled from my foot. Or whatever it is corns do.
Stoyan
You have whiffs of the dungeon about you!
KennethYou are speaking to a KNIGHT!
Stoyan
I’m used to being repulsive to people. If this guy’s into it, he’s kind of a freak.
Effie
I doubt Aedelric would be too upset if you used one of his possessions.
KennethWe don’t want to risk his 18 Vigor.
StoyanHe could kill us all with a thought.
EffieExplicitly not a thought. With his muscles.
Stoyan
If I ask, like, where are we going to find them, and he says ‘without’, I’m going to kill him.
Effie
If it is seen to be breachable, perhaps that makes it so.
KennethThen we will plug it with our very bodies.
Stoyan
Hail, fellow giant…
Stoyan…’fellow giant’?
KennethHail, fellow who is a giant…
Stoyan