Star Trek: Amherst

Stoyan: Captain Xarath Jell
Roger: Commander Fiona Wellman
Tim: Commander Bejal Zin
Alex: Adoss Nott
Effie: Lieutenant Saedhe
Ben: Lieutenant Shon Azonan; and
Kenneth: GM

2017-09-20

You were here for half an hour? Did you say anything funny?
Roger about Stoyan

Nut on Them Titties

'Diplomatic suite' is not as gay as it sounds!
Kenneth

A Romulan swimming through one of the tanks with scissors
Effie

Can you provide me with any...behavioral...drugs?
Jell

What the fuck? I mean, maybe, but...
Effie

Tactical Sensor Sweep Scan
Stoyan

2017-09-27

'Double the party, brah!'
Stoyan as Chuck Durango, regarding an experimental transporter technique to continuously vibrate between two locations

What my captain meant to say in the middle of his seizure, was...
Fiona Wellman

We're getting takeout from the Romulans.
Ben

2017-10-4

I'm not JUST an alien.
Alex on Nott

You're going to need to be a little more...burly.

Alright. 'Sluts!'
Effie as Druka

Have they ever given you Romulan caviar? It's extracted from the egg sacs of...oh...
Xarath Jell

2017-10-18

In fact, it would be more accurate to say you've been spaced, because you can't go to the ground.
Roger

I haven't been bonded to another man since I was an adolescent...
Dav

Trauma is our business!
Tim

It could be entirely reasonable terrorism.
Effie

They play 'The March of the Valkyries'!
Stoyan

Any suggestions for what I say to that?
Effie
'It was nice speaking with you.'
Ben

I may have to commit surgury [sic].

The doctor's dead, Wellman.
Stoyan
Then you'll need to see the duty nurse... and I'll need to find a new doctor.
Roger

Hm, I guess genetic modification is okay, then.
Effie
Gimme that baby juice!
Roger

2017-11-8

Was Captain Xarath Jell born underwater or on the surface?
Kenneth
He was born in WAR!
Stoyan

We will raze this entire thing to the surface, and then raze it to the ground!!!
Bejal Zin

I don't know why these young kids are so anxious to die...
Adoss Nott
Because war is hell, but war is heller!
Imaginary Bejal Zin

Maximum screw!
Xarath Jell

Isn't your Dad so hot?
John Fredd
Alright, it's time to harpoon myself.
Fiona Wellman

So you're saying that this was a...clutch move?
Tim

Are you sure it's not just Edon Krim in the back saying 'brrrrrrrrrrrrr, my planet was enslaved, brrrrrrrrrrrr'?
(Who said this)

Wellman, I have always hated you so much, but your Dad is so hot.
Bejal Zin
Agreed, on both counts.
Saedhe
He is, in fact, the greatest DILF.
Xarath Jell

Fiona Wellman, convincing a man to to end his own life.
?
Because he was not as hot as her dad.
?

It gets the blood boiling, just like your father!
Xarath Jell

2017-12-1

Orgasmic valvulation.
Dr. Nott's diagnosis of Cmdr. Wellman

Wellman's father also feels bigger on the inside.
Stoyan

What's a suitably appropriate death? His eyes explode out of his head!
Stoyan on the death of Evil Captain Jell
Because of all the pressure!
Stoyan, attempting to explain

Kill...me...
Wellman upon waking

Can you imagine the consequences of a Deltan/Shorehr hybrid? Like a rock you want to love...
Duty nurse, played by Roger

Wellman, I'm so glad you're well...man.
Captain Xerath Jell

That's very good, Wellman. Frankly, I'm not sure the galaxy is ready for our love.
Captain Xerath Jell

A cake arrives, that says 'Your Illness is Dishonorable'.
Tim on Bejal Zin sending his regards to Wellman

Your father was gorgeous, and LOOK at you!
Bejal Zin?

It reminds me of 'The Inner Light' and 'Distant Voices'.
Roger
Combine those two with 'Workforce' and 'The Killing Game', and you've got it.
Alex

2018-01-3

This cloud will be our grave, Zin!
Jell

Can I create a solution of steroids and helium?
Nott

What? A 'delegate'?
Jell
It seems that criminals' delegates are made to testify against themselves.
Wellman
What is a 'delegate'!?!
Jell

The Klingon, when told he had to stay, declared that the Chac'zel were nothing but useless pataQs.
Roger

Druka, do you comply with the shipwide medical alert?
Kenneth
Fuck that. Spam message deleted!
Effie

I'm not human. And I don't think any of us is or wants to be a human.
Zin

The Trill will rise again!
Roger

Breaking a few diplomatic eggs refers to Zin's balls.
Stoyan, returning from a period of being inaudible and belatedly sharing his joke with us

Ensign Durango's greatest challenge: he has to beam himself.
Kenneth
Oh, I beam myself twice a day.
Chuck Durango

What was the last legitimate question?
Kenneth
When was your biography released?
Fredd
That was the last legitimate question!?!
Roger

Yo yo yo homies, what up, it yo' boy T-Slice.
Tim
Is 'T-Slice' Tim?
Kenneth
I forgot his name.
Tim
Rsstar'k.
Kenneth
It yo' boy R-Slice!
Tim

...and they were being suspicious. Living in an unauthorized residence...we assume.
Zin
Zin, why did we capture them?
Jell
They ran. Why does the fox need to hunt?
Zin

Wait, his name is YEESH?
Roger
It's Yes'sh. You have to say 'yes' and then stop and then 'sh'.
Kenneth
[multiple people practice]

Okay, I get it!
Roger

Kenneth, you need to stop yourself. This is...a disease.
Stoyan

2018-01-17

It looks pretty good, Lieutenant! Do you mind if we...
engineering crewman tempted by Zin bread
You're fired!
Saedhe

By god, Nott! What are you doing with your time!?! Do you expect me to keep having great sex with gray aliens?
Kenneth as Jell

...which will echo through their entire species network and destroy all of their psychic ability.
Nott
That's possibly the exact opposite of what I typed to you.
Kenneth

Captain's Log: The other day I experienced some whack emotions. Let me describe them in excruciating detail.
Roger as Picard

Admiral out.
Admiral Obasi
Sleep tight, Admiral.
Zin

On the way to the shuttle bay, I'm going to contact Edon Krim and ask him to meet us in the shuttle bay.
Wellman
My planet was e-
Edon
Yes, I know your planet was enslaved.
Wellman

Are we season 2 now? When did that happen?
Roger
Who renewed us?
Ben

Wait, there's a third Moulakis?
literally multiple people over the session

debates the meaning of a 'rhetorical conversation' at length
Jell and Saedhe

We have, as the kids say, 'double trouble'.
Jell to the Admiral

In that case, I insist that they wear these medical monitors at all times.
Nott
Those are handcuffs, Doctor!
Kar

Is it against protocol to dose a senior staff member to reduce their bloodlust?
Jell, to several staff members

Have I ever failed?
Zin
You are failing this very moment.
Jell
Have I ever failed before now?
Zin

A guy horseback riding on the holodeck collapses to the floor.
Kenneth
Oh, sorry! Red alert!
Jell

2018-02-14

[meme image]
Roger
Can that image be a session quote?
Effie

What focuses do you have? 'Meditation'? Use that.
Tim
That's 'mediation'.
Effie

[8:22 PM] Bejal Zin (Tim): /1d20

[8:22 PM] Bejal Zin (Tim): /roll1d20

[8:23 PM] Bejal Zin (Tim): /roll 1d20

Goddamn it; you have no concept of object permanence!
Jell
I have a concept of phaser permanence! Pew!
Zin
I'll have you stripped for this!
Jell

'Between the Zins': a TV show where we review movies.
Tim

The two officers are just hunched over, stabbing it...this is what they taught us at the academy.
Wellman

If the Original Series taught me anything, this is the time for cave sex.
Tim

Ensign Rengaal, make sure they don't have cave sex while we're gone.
Wellman
Ensign Rengaal, join us in cave sex while they're gone. That's an order.
Zin

Preston to Jell. Our patient is stable. Jell here. Acknowledged. feverish laughter
Stoyan

2018-02-21

I'm being court-martialed!?!
Alex, joining the call

You're right! It would cause a cascade failure!
Bejal Zin, pretending to understand

Is [Yawgtohk] shedding?
Stoyan
IS HE WHAT!?!
Effie
Is he shedding on my chair?
Stoyan
Oh. That is not what I heard.
Effie

I've been trying to get as many of these fuckers as possible out of the ship.
Tim/Zin
Oh my god.
Effie/Saedhe
YOU'RE GETTING FAT, SAEDHE.
Tim/Zin

I fucking lean against the wall and hiss through my teeth. 'My angkglgle!'
Effie

[8:44 PM] Xarath Jell (Stoyan): /roll 1d20(edited)

[8:44 PM] BOTSidekick: @Xarath Jell (Stoyan): 2d20 = (9+18) = 27

'His name...was Craki.' I kill Saedhe on the spot.
Tim

Well, he's actually got a point...
Ben as Wellman failing at convincing

Jell to...the Moulakis that is with Saedhe!
Jell

Captain's log, initial...
Jell
I have not been taking logs for the past five years. However, the events of the past week have encouraged me to start taking them again, if only to get Wellman off my back about taking logs.
Wellman

2018-03-21

Blah, blah blah!
Stoyan asked to confirm his mic's operation

We're voting right now to rename the Amherst the USS 9/11!
Alex

I have good jokes such as calling the [Hugh Thompson] the 'Huge Johnson'.
Alex

My planet is enslaved!
Edon
You're like Pikachu, but that's what you say.
Nott

Damn, I have to do what the Doctor wants me to do, even though I want to do what I want to do...
Zin's external monologue

How do triangles work?
Effie

2018-04-4

Can I be a pah wraith-possessed zombie, or do I have to be a devout Bajoran.
Stoyan

I prefer to witness the ethics violations in person.
Kar
There can't be war crimes...if there's no war.
Zin
That's just crime!
Yawgtohk

Druka shows up, combing the dust out of his beard.
Effie
Druka, how old are the books in the case?
Zin
I can't see; I'm too short.
Yawgtohk
I pick him up and lift him.
Zin

I might not like my orders, but I know my orders.
Nott nott comitting to anything

This isn't the first time in a first contact situation where Starfleet has had to make someone disappear.
Nott in the Darkest Timeline

giggles 'Lieutenant Dorito'.
Stoyan

What was the crime, Seven of Two?
Stoyan, understanding how Borg names work

2018-04-25

Preston, the reason I made you head nurse was because your voice sounds like the Captain, and I enjoy the thought of ordering him around.
Nott
Thank you, Doctor.
Preston

Captain, the orders were given to you, as captain. If you were to abdicate your captaincy to someone else...
Wellman

Thank you, Captain.
Wellman, not helping
Wellman, is this your surrogate?
Jell

These records from the 'Compassion Home' seem to pertain to early genetic experimentation: not what I would describe as 'compassionate'...if I understood what that feeling was.
Irrel

Preston is actually busy practicing his jazz act for the ship's exhibition.
duty nurse
As much as I do love his jazz, call him back and get him to help you with this.
Nott

2018-05-2

Alexa, belay that order.
Stoyan
Switching to bluetooth mode.
Alexa

Captain, I believe I speak for all of us when I say, fuck racquetball--we have a planet to save.
Nott

A closet is the only place for a Tellarite.
Jell
Is that how you open the conversation?
Kenneth

Does Kut...
Stoyan
Ket!
Tim
Does Kut seem...
Stoyan
Kute!
Tim

Commander Zin, here's your binky. Let him talk.
Wellman
MY BINKY! I THOUGHT IT WAS GONE FOREVER!
Zin

Domo arigato, Mister Behr-ah-to!
Nott, following alien customs

An idiot and a fool are two settings of the same phaser.
Alex

Commander Wellman, I was told by your adjutant that you had a 'Brain' 'Blast'.
Jell

2018-05-9

It takes a while, with a single seed, to spread that around the whole society. But, if we could introduce it at multiple points, it would spread faster.
Nott

Very good. Wellman!
Jell
Yes, Captain?
Wellman
[ten seconds of silence]
Jell, having disconnected
Aye aye, Captain.
Wellman

We're not in the business of taking orders!
Zin
We...are, indeed.
Jell

The burden of proof cuts both ways!
Nott

Action for the sake of action is not admirable, captain.
Admiral Hola
And unflinching hesitation is not a virtue.
Jell

I'm going to tell you a story, one I haven't gotten to tell in a long time.
Jell
Computer, seal the doors!
Stoyan

I'd like to say goodbye. I won't be around much longer.
Jell
Ah nah, brah!
Stoyan (as Durango???)
My planet was enslaved.
Edon

Fiona, we've got...important stuff to talk about.
Nott
Adoss, don't call me 'Fiona' if you're about to get me into trouble.
Wellman

I still haven't received your resignation, Doctor.
Admiral Hola
Here's my resume.
Nott

He was as much a part of this ship as the warp core. Was...is.
Saedhe
You are quite good with the warp core.
Preston

2018-05-16

Commander, put me in, Commander! I know this is the big game, but I know I can score a touchdown!
Rengaal
Ensign, you're having a stroke.
Zin

Do you believe that her specializations in Xeno Martial Arts and Sensor Sweeps will be beneficial on your away mission?
Wellman
Indeed. She can combine them into Xeno Sweeps.
Zin

I'm surprised. I know my chief of security wouldn't board another ship without knowing the name of every command officer.
Captain Singh
I only learned how to kill.
Zin

Something about how the pride of the Amherst is on the line...
Effie describing Saedhe's speech
But, Lieutenant, we don't have any pride!
Roger as junior engineer
I know, I know.
Saedhe

If you count every time Commander Zin...
Wellman
...has an orgasm?
Jell
...destroys the lavatory in his quarters, the ship has suffered structural damage 800 times.
Wellman

I feel like that's a name of a TV show, 'Regrettably, Stoyan'.
Tim

It seems to be what we can only describe as a Beyblade with the density of a neutron star.
Irrel
space tornado
Alex
mood ring
Effie

This is the conch. If you're not holding the conch, you may not speak. Computer, beam the conch into space.
Roger as Jell

She couldn't handle the Amgirth.
Tim

2018-06-27

Wellman's Delegate, I'm sorry I had to ask you to be my agony aunt. Please delete your memories and send the real Wellman.
Jell

Saedhe's getting her ass whooped.
Tim
She's joining in with Krim and Jina.
Kenneth
Kreema.
Tim

[Moulakis] is a real science officer!
Kenneth
NO! The other Moulakis was a real science officer!
Zin

He has his doctorate in evacuation.
Tim, on the poor sick scientist

We don't have a doctor--they don't come in until Tuesday.
Wellman

Who's 'Saedhe'?
Zin, as other people speak

How about you shut the fuck up and let me fly the imaginary shuttle?
Rengaal

Would it be possible for me to perform...crew interviews...
Preston
That's just blowjobs, right?
Kenneth
It could end in a blowjob.
Preston

Is it lethal?
Irrel
I'm the only one that's lethal here.
Stoyan as Zin

Put him in a pith helmet and give him a musket and send him into the jungle to find the bastard.
Saedhe on Zin

Can I call my kung-fu 'Kling-fu'?
Rengaal

This is Lab Group: Codename 'Sasha Saedhe'...
Preston
What the fuck?
Effie

The worst part of being on Zero Station is not being able to go down to Macca's for a Gourmet Brekkie Biscuit.
Ens. Searle

Are you sure you want to go to space, Stoyan? I'm not sure you're ready.
Kenneth
I don't want to go to this space. There's a lot of other space.
Stoyan

Kenneth, why do your vagina descriptions all have to do with volcanos?
Tim

2018-07-25

Dangerous on the inside.
Effie

I'm sure Zin has been gay at some point.
Tim
It's not gay if it's just the symbiote.
Effie

Saedhe, get the cocks out your eyes!
Zin

Only horrible monsters call me by my whole name.
Zin

Ensign, set your phaser to kill.
Preston
Commander Zin already ordered us to set them to kill.
Irrel
Ah, then set them to double kill.
Preston

2018-08-8

He has taken audiovisual material from the first contact kit.
Saedhe
It had three 'X's on the front.
Zin

Does 'Ulos Thaina' sound like a human name to you?
Kenneth
It sounds like an Australian name.
Stoyan

Lieutenant, did you see anything?
Irrel
Almost, if you bring it up a little bit.
Preston

You break out the files on a picnic table by the landing field.
Kenneth
More pear tart, Saedhe?
Preston
Don't mind if I do!
Saedhe

I'm gonna guarantee it's not a personal oven.
Tim
Kenneth just changed the solution to the puzzle to a personal oven.
Effie

It was a sample pod, homeostatic.
Saedhe
That's one of the fancy ones...
Ens. Searle
You know it, honey.
Zin

Last moment: we have to enter his dying mind with a brain probe to find out where the personal oven is.
Stoyan

2018-08-15

It's clearly a real word!
Stoyan, on 'kittenlessness'

I told you, I don't need this kind of protection, Commander.
Jell, being accompanied to bed by Zin
Is he saying this holding a condom?
Kenneth

Is he capable of something that's supposed to be facing straight up and making it lay down on the ground? Can he push something over?
Effie, on Zin

I had a dream, and I was able to invoke that dream again by meditating.
Rengaal
That's called remembering.
Zin

I track her cycle. It's the best way to play pranks on her.
Zin, on Saedhe's sleep cycle
You...monitor her cycle?
Kenneth

Tim, demonstrate the giggle.
Kenneth
.................hehe..........
Zin

I would rather die a thousand deaths than let an officer die once.
Rengaal

2018-08-29

I also need to be near you so that I can use my aspect Planet on Terror Saedhe.
Tim

Stoyan, don't you know that, whatever you tell me to put in my mouth, I will? [peals of laughter]
Tim

Thaina and Zin go off into the bushes.
Kenneth
Aww, alright.
Saedhe, dejected
Are you feeling left out, Saedhe?
Kenneth

Preston, do you drive, or do you defer to an NPC?
Kenneth
Drive drive, or drive drive the encounter?
Stoyan

Captain's Log: Stardate Whatever-the-Fuck. Sounds like a total shitshow.
Effie

Captain, I am quite capable of serving as interim administrator.
Lt. T'Jon
Oh, you're quite capable of serving as a lot of things.
Zin

Captain, they have approximately 12,000 condoms stashed away.
Wellman
Running a little low, Munty-Boy?
Jell

They were all Federation officers until I field-demoted Thaina to a 'Miss.
Tim

2019-02-13

Did you want to research anything, or...
Kenneth
I just gathered them here to discuss my burgeoning paranoia about having my command taken away for my crimes.
Stoyan

There won't be enough people to fill four shifts, unless some people work two shifts!
Jell
Well, if everyone had a holographic delegate...
Wellman

I think [Moulakis] has only one PhD.
Kenneth
Then now he has at least two.
Wellman

You pick up a metallic object in the distance.
Kenneth
Ooh! A penny!
Saedhe

I'm about to give some orders.
Jell

Effie, you're playing John Fredd.
Kenneth
Oh, god...
Effie
Hey, it's me: John Fredd.
John Fredd

Excuse me, but I'm playing John Fredd, and I'm playing him as suicidal.
Effie

Captain, I believe the computer has developed the consciousness of a Spaniard from the 1600s and is control of the ship.
Wellman
What is a 'Spaniard'?
Jell

Quiks-oat...I believe that basically describes my career.
Jell

Has anything of note happened recently!
Preston
Certainly--my sister's wife had a baby! Wait, no!
Kenneth

You were suicidal ten minutes ago, Fredd, and now you're horny.
Wellman
He has the hormones of a teenager! He's going to live forever!
Zin

I need you to cut the brain stem from the rest of the brain, the puppet from its strings...
Wellman
Thank you for the elaborate metaphor, Commander.
Saedhe

I believe this is what is referred to as a 'Brain Blast'?
Roger when Saedhe rolls a 30

When did Officer Bonk depart the ship?
Saedhe, choking through laughter

Captain, we need you to talk to the Admiral!
Wellman
Captaaaaiiin!
Zin
What is it, children?
Jell

Goddamnit! My senior staff is on that wreck!
Jell

Yo yo yo homies, what up, it yo' boy T-Slice.
Tim
Is 'T-Slice' Tim?
Kenneth
I forgot his name.
Tim
Rsstar'k.
Kenneth
It yo' boy R-Slice!
Tim

I did good! Look at all the session quotes I'm in!
Effie

I had a dream, and I was able to invoke that dream again by meditating.
Rengaal
That's called remembering.
Zin

2019-02-18

Wait, is 'Chuck' short for 'Richard'?
Alex

Goddamnit. I knew he'd use this opportunity to get rid of us.
Wellman, as Jell fires on the Lepanto

Engage racist subroutines!
Effie as Cervantes
He's a man of his time, by which I mean a racist computer of the 24th century.
Kenneth

Computer, generate a broadsword and breastplate.
Jell on the bridge of the Amherst

It feels like an earthquake on the holodeck.
Kenneth
That sounds like an Andrew W.K. song.
Tim

I see in you the care of a doctor for her patient.
Commander Feh'throon
I'm sorry, but, if you can see the yellow on my uniform, I'm actually an engineer.
Saedhe
This was a very simple metaphor. I don't know why you're having trouble with it.
Feh'throon

Can I retroactively say that I'm tactically pregnant?
Kenneth

We're a vessel of exploration!
Jell
Our torpedo launchers say otherwise!
Zin
Those are usually used to fire probes!
Jell

I feel like if I were there right now, I would advise you to let bygones be bygones, but now I have a ship and crew of my own.
Wellman